transitions

OK, I'm OK. I did cry almost all day Friday, but I got through it. There were a lot of things to cry about, I guess, and I had to have it get out of my system.
The transition to being home, in heavy pain, after yet another surgery, is a very emotional circumstance. Pair that with one of my kids "paying the price" for my situation, and I was a mess. Understandably so, you know?

In the end Dov & I had a good phone conversation after I got a hold of myself. I needed to talk to him, so I called his counselor, and because of the circumstance, he put me through. We shot the breeze a bit, and I also told him that if there was anything we could've done to change the situation, we'd have done it. He said he knew. Wanna know what he also said? My insightful & resilient boy... he said that even if everything were normal; no surgery and abba not overtaxed, he knows that it is 7 hours round-trip and would have understood if we didn't come anyway. He is OK, and he told me that there were other kids who's parents lived too far to come also (out of country). He'll be home next Monday (9 days from today). We're good. I am not sad about it anymore. I think Friday was just a hard day no matter how it was going to play out.

I am dealing with **lots** of pain here. And any time I transfer from the hospital to home there is a transition day that is very emotionally challenging.

I had a very restful Shabbat in my own bed. I am learning what combination of pain pills helps me through the hours. The surgeon and Rav Fisher were very right- this was a procedure that was necessary for me to protect my innards from more problems in the future, -and- it is a very painful recovery. Sometimes I can only breathe very shallowly because of the pain to my belly with a regular breath. Everything feels so weird and sore there under gapey. All the muscles have to be re-trained, I guess, to be held in place.

Slowly... slowly. I have time for this to heal properly.
And now my eyes are drooping with sleep; the pain medicines knock me out sometimes.

Sleep is the best chance to heal.... but with the drugs I get such weird dreams! I won't go into the one from early this morning... not a bad one, but weird, involving memories from the NF.
We'll see where this night brings me...