Faking it

I am faking it. Faking at life. You see me, you ask if I am better from the headaches, I say "yes, baruch Hashem", and it's somewhat true. I am still getting headaches from the spinal tap, in the evenings, and my lower back still hurts where the test was done. But I won't say that. I'll just say, "yes, I'm over the worst of it. I was in bed for two weeks, but thank Gd it's passed."

That's partially true.

But the big picture? I don't know how much more I can take of strange, painful, unusual medical events happening to me on a regular basis. I mean, what's the deal?

I'm tired. I'm *exhausted*. I am having a hard time getting "up" again, in the big sense of getting up after another medical throw-down. I am having a harder and harder time justifying that I need to take care of myself, try to get to the gym, cook healthy foods. I have been doing things since the headaches went away, but it is a constant inner dialogue to push, to do, to go, to accomplish. It is physically and mentally exhausting to be constantly behind the 8-ball, so to speak. I want to stay in pajamas all day and not venture out. I feel beaten down, my spirit chewed up.

I wish I had a spiritual counselor who could help me try to make sense of my life. I don't understand. I am losing my drive, my love of life.
I used to have a rav who I would have talked to about this stuff, but he is no longer with us... (Ayelet, we miss him so much. Many times his name comes up, may his memory always be blessed).

Medical problems consume- as in swallow up and burn- any energy or life force that a person used to have. If it weren't for my kids, I'd be somewhere in nowhere land.

I constantly feel that I take two steps forward and three steps back.
Health is **Everything**.