Lots of things are "off", but I'll get back on.

I just need to talk.

Things have been pretty crazy. I'm not at liberty to say much about a huge issue that has pervaded my week, but suffice it to say it has thrown me for a huge loop. I'll be OK, it's going to take time... it's something that triggered my PTSD in a big way. It's not enough that the steroid shots were messing up my sleep, now this has seeped into my dreams (nightmares), and conscious living as well. I have support, but at the moment it's not enough. But I'll be OK.

I've also had a stomach virus... not a big bad one, just enough to mess up a day (well, 3 so far...). No fever or achiness,  just digestive imbalance. 

Even with these challenges, I got to the gym yesterday, and had a really good workout. Five kilometers on a recumbent bike with decent pedal tension, and awesome pool laps. 

Then, even with the PTSD issues horrendously raging, I baked carrot muffins, put up sauerkraut to ferment, made a good dinner, drove kids around, and got to my Torah class at night.

But by 2AM the migraine was unreal. I couldn't sleep because of the PTSD, although I was exhausted. I had been hoping to exhaust myself enough that I'd sleep like a baby, but that theory didn't hold up. I was up almost all night (as some friends who got messages from me can attest to!), and the migraine was the worst I've had in many months. I think the PTSD got my blood pressure high, and that was the pounding migraine I was feeling. I thought I'd need hospital drugs. But with the magic of Cannabis and some other select pharmaceuticals, I slept most of today, and woke up with the headache at about a "4" on the Richter migraine scale. Tonight, after all day in bed, I'm a bit calmer, and the headache, although not gone, seems at bay.

The report on my hip / femur is that I think the steroid shots helped a little. It helped with the direct hip pain, but my femur still hurts. It feels like a little gerbil is gnawing away at it. I will schedule the MRI's as soon as.... as soon as I can, physically, emotionally schedule them. I am still trying to schedule the one from August from the New York surgeon-- it is causing big problems in the HMO because of the surgeon's stipulation of how he wants the MRI- with 1cm picture cuts through the whole NF abdomen area and upper thigh. That is the only way he can know if he can proceed with the reconstruction/ mesh replacement or not. The HMO can't deal with the special order, though, and for three months I have been trying to schedule some hospital, anywhere in this country, to do this for me. I have one that will, but the HMO doesn't want to pay for that particular hospital. It's exhausting to keep up with. I have calls about this issue at least every other day. This is why I haven't yet scheduled the MRI's that the pain doctor in Ichilov referred me to do. I have to get the first one secured, then move on.

What I am trying to stick to is going to the gym at least twice a week, my Torah classes also twice a week, and aiming for balance. 

With what happened this week triggering the PTSD, that was out of my hands. When pain levels rise, out of my hands (including migraines). But just like I have been aiming for since the first month recovering from NF, I am still aiming for balance. Maybe I should give up on that aim and just accept it all as it comes? I wind up having to do that anyway.

Thursday is the one year date since my father passed away. That's a big one for me. 

I hope he's together with mom, wherever they are. That's all he wanted.

What we want in this world, well, that's not usually what we get.

But in the afterlife? Who knows....