Post-op one month

Hip replacement recovery is going pretty well. I am still having pain, and taking medicines against the pain, but it is improving. I can do stairs much easier now, too, and I just started to walk around without the cane. What is the reward for improvement? Harder physical therapy.... my physical therapist worked me much harder and longer today, and I'm so sore.

I am back to making dinners though when I can. I can stand and cook for a half hour or so, and having cooked meals around is very important with three kids home. They are constantly hungry.

I am getting better, and it's time to revisit what am I going to do for the rest of my life. I wish I still had my careers, but the truth is I just don't. I can't live for who I used to be, I have to focus my eyes forward and go from here. Truthfully I feel like I've just lost all my ambition, all my strive. Nothing interests me anymore, and I feel awful about that. I have spent too many years out of the work force, and I lost my ambition. I have had so many health challenges that it just kept me out of the game.

I plan to go back to finish the two-week evaluation at the national health service (Bituach Leumi), then go back to the Jewelry making job. But that's not for the rest of my life. It can be for a number of years if I want it to be, though. I will get back to practicing horn, but somehow between these last 13 years of not playing professionally I lost my drive. I need a goal to play for something specific. I will re-join the Gedera community orchestra that I was playing in before Corona hit, but that's a few hours once a week, and not on a high level. It is fun, though. I like the people.
I cannot work full time at this point in my life. My body has just been through too much to make that happen. Robert keeps encouraging me to go back to my birthing classes, but like I said, I lost my ambition.

I do plan on doing birthing classes for one very special couple, though, in the coming months... Dov and Achinoam are expecting. :) I'm going to be a grandma, please G-d! That is exciting.

Life is so complicated. On the one hand I still have three kids at home, but they are of the age that I don't have to take care of them all the time. On the other hand, I have lost my careers to health crises, and I can't ever get them back. There are twists and turns to life that can be very upsetting and depressing, but there is also so much goodness. I can't live for who I used to be. I can't work full time anymore, and I have no ambition to get things going for myself. That's where I'm at, and owning it will hopefully help me to move on. Healing more from this hip replacement will also help me move on. Everything at the right time. I look forward to getting back to the schedule of the Jewelry making job in the morning, the gym and practicing in afternoons, making dinners every day and feeling like my life is worthwhile every day. Right now it's challenging to remember that my life is worthwhile. It's challenging.