Time to just be

I have been trying to start this blog post for some time now. I've been looking for a way to say something really hard for me.

First of all I'll start off by saying that the hip replacement surgery/recovery is going pretty well. I still have pain, but it is less and less every week. I stopped physical therapy, it was not right for me- it hurt me too much and the physical therapist wasn't listening to me. My doctor said I didn't need it anyway, it was my idea to do some physical therapy. If I can be consistent in going to the gym that will be enough. Thing is, I haven't been consistent about going to the gym. Truth is I've been practically inactive. I'm fed up with my leg hurting, although I know I need to work on it, but it keeps me feeling like I just don't want to bother anymore with getting in shape and staying healthy. I don't know if it's because of Corona that I am feeling so non-mobile, tired all the time and slightly depressed. I should get my blood tested, often after surgeries I'm anemic, that could be influencing me.

I am back to my Jewelry making course/job. It's a course and a job. My training is almost finished then I start to work on things that the center will sell. I recently finished a set of a pendant and earrings; it was very challenging! I made it from scratch, with sterling silver this time. Here's a picture:

All kinds of soldering and filing and soldering again. And all the solders have to be a different melting point because there is a risk of loosening other earlier solders while doing more than one solder. This was a hard project, but I did it! I had a couple of mistakes along the way, but my teacher helped fix them. I'm kinda proud of my creation. :)

I don't know how long I'll be in this job, I see it as temporary, but it could be longer term. It's up to me. At this point it's only three days a week, mornings until 12:30. That's OK though, I don't want to work full-time. This body has been through so much, I need to rest more than other people, I think. It leaves plenty of time for me to go to the gym, though, I just have to *get* there.

The hard thing I've been avoiding writing about is this....

I've decided to quit playing horn.

It's been one of the hardest decisions of my life; I always go back to horn playing no matter how long the break. I did quit once before for two years after I finished undergraduate school. I needed a break from the pressure of being a scholarship student and needing to play for a jury once every three months to keep my scholarship. Lots of pressure there. I started again though after two years, and was quite successful. Then I went to New England Conservatory for graduate school. From there with my fresh master's degree in hand, I made aliyah to Israel and got an orchestra job here within the first two weeks of being in the country. I only left the orchestra to concentrate more on my doula practice, which was booming at the time. Two weeks after I tendered my resignation, I got sick with NF after a hernia surgery. I had to stop all work eventually, and totally stopped playing horn *and* my doula work because of my health problems. I started and stopped a few times within these 13 years that I've been dealing with health problems. I joined a volunteer orchestra, and that was good for me for a while. But honestly it's not enough to keep me going. 

Last summer I had my big abdominal surgery and things have never been 100% right since. I mean, in the big picture there has been tremendous improvement in quality of life; my abdominal pain I had day-in-day-out is gone, but I still have some abdominal pain when I play, and that's not going away, I've felt it for a year now. I have resigned myself to that fact that it's not going away.

I was playing consistently through the Corona lock-down and everything, and then I stopped playing the day before my hip replacement surgery two and a half months ago. I have been just avoiding starting up again. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching about this, and I realized that for a long time now I haven't enjoyed practicing at all. It is a burden to me, and I watch the clock when I do practice. I've decided not to start up again. It is just so hard for me with no real goals to play for. It feels like a marriage that is breaking up, not because the two parties don't like each other, but there is no love. It's friendship on the good days, but loveless. I have decided not to do the things that don't give me joy. Thing is it leaves a big hole for something else to come up. I did the two week bituach le'umi (national health insurance) professional evaluation, and on Sunday I have a meeting to see what their suggestions are for what direction a possible new career can take. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I have a lot of free time on my hands, and I rest a lot. Life is certainly different than how it used to be. Before I got sick, I would have never guessed that I'd be 52 with no career and not much work. It's very strange, and can be disorienting.

But stopping playing horn is the big news. I'm sad about it, and relieved at the same time. Sad just like someone going through an amicable divorce. Me and my horn have been together since I was 10. It got me places, got me many things. I was respected at the job, and I felt self respect also. In a way I wish I never left the orchestra. But getting sick I might not have been able to play anyway. In fact I know I wouldn't have been able to. Many years I dealt with health issues and one surgery after another after I had NF. 

So here I am, open to possibilities, but at the moment satisfied to have a lot of time to rest and just Be. Sometimes I feel a little unhinged by it all, though.